Posted by: howvoicebegan | 23/11/2011

Hold Me Now

If it makes you less sad
Hold me now
It is over now
I don’t want to go.

I took our two trouble-makers to their therapy session yesterday. It was a standard day- at first.

The therapist explained to me that she had a breakthrough with the child she is working with. Previously the child had shown a bad attitude toward therapy sessions, but this time she finally opened up. That is when I was called in.

In light of everything that has come out about their stealing and other deviant behaviour, I had been too hurt to talk to them- especially this one girl in particular. I have not even been able to look at her. Her lack of remorse and bad attitude made it difficult for me to have the reconciliation that I longed to have with the children. Over the last week I have been struggling with several things: Do I just pretend nothing happened? Do I continue to have a chasm in our friendships until they make a move of apologizing? When, and how, is the chasm bridged? Though I was ready to get past these things, I was held back because there seemed to be no mutual desire to reconcile. I simply had to wait.

Today it came through. She came through.

“She feels like the person she has most disappointed is you,” the psychologist told me. I felt that was an accurate statement.
“She said that, of all the places she has been, there have only been two people she has really loved or cared for: the granny she used to stay with, and you.”

In honesty, I did not want to hear that. I felt bad enough for speaking harshly to her in the weeks before, and I felt bad that I could not reconcile with her. Now to hear that I have a large responsibility of loving the rejected- it’s just too much for my heavy heart.

Yet, as the psychologist told me more, I felt relieved of the heavy burden I was carrying. The girl acknowledged that she hadn’t been forthcoming in apologies and she knew that it played a large part in our broken relationship. So with these words, I was ready to tell the girl what I already had in my heart a long time ago: forgiveness. I was ready to be released of this yoke of guilt that forced the two of us together in an awkward bind, staring at the daunting, rocky field ahead of us we would have to plow with this yoke.

When I met with the girl, she had written a poem to me. In part, it said:

Come take a walk with me
So much craziness that surrounds me
So much going on that it gets hard to breathe
Don’t know how much time has passed
Feels like forever, but no one ever tells you
That feels that long

If it makes you less sad
Hold me now
It is over now
I don’t want to go.

Then she looked me straight in the eye and smiled- a smile that was looking for approval.

I told her I had been waiting for her so we can put this behind us. I told her I already forgave her. She told me she doesn’t want to leave the orphanage. Hold me now; it is over; I don’t want to go. We hugged; it is over.

The yoke of guilt is there no more. We replaced it with one of reconciliation. A much easier yoke to carry makes the rocky field ahead one that we can push through.

I wrote back to her. My letter below:

Thank you for writing the special poem for me. It had been on my heart to make things right with you. I am sorry for being so negative toward you. I knew that it wasn’t right, but I was so deeply hurt and angered that it was too much for me to get over it. I knew that I needed to hear from you that you care about fixing things, and I am glad to know that you want to make things right, too.

I have always wanted to show God’s love to you and the other children. Sometimes I fail at doing that, and I think this is one of those times. I know what God wants of me: he wants us to forgive (Matthew 6:14-15), he wants us to be peace makers (Matthew 5: 9), and he wants us to overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21). I couldn’t do that without your help. Now that we are working together to put all of this behind us, we can both say that we do what the Bible says.

God loves you, and I love you. Thank you for helping me to be a better person and to once again show God’s love. Please forgive me for times that I don’t, and just know that I am trying my best.

-Leslie

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Responses

  1. very heart felt…nice post

    • Thank you! It’s been a powerful experience, indeed.

  2. I like the idea that communication can be through a poem. I am a member of a choral society and we often say that music crosses all kinds of barriers so I suppose it is the same thing with poetry.

    Sometimes saying what you really have on your mind is difficult and finding a way of opening up a channel of communication, whether it is through poetry, music, a thoughtful gesture or just simply being available, to hold a hand or just to be together can sometimes open the door to healing of broken minds and hearts.

    • Indeed; poetry is powerful, and this girl found it was the only way to express how she had been feeling. She gave me the copy of the poem, which I will certainly keep for many years to come as a reminder of how forgiveness and reconciliation feel.


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